mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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