I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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