i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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