just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
