I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
