Jerry, you need to find god
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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