I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
my liver is dry heaving
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
