I accidentally burped into my bong.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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