I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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