that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
