My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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