That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
