I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i scared a bird with my dick
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
