last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
