genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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