I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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