I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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