so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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