I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
