One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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