i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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