I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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