why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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