omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
