I accidentally burped into my bong.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
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chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm