I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
