brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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