Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
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