She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
