It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
