Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
