I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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