Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
