A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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