lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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