you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
