My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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