My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pants are for mortals
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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