Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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