dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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