way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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