I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
there is glitter all over my balls
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