took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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