I'm so fucking centered right now
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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