I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
