Got a toothbrush?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
