I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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