How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
