her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
