Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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