Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
