Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
