I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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