This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
