The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
