Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
