I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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