I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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